Wednesday, March 01, 2006

ACLU Round Table

Tonight we received a request from stoptheaclu for a free-form anti-ACLU post and a trackback to their site. Since we all come at this from different angles, we’re holding The Scratching Post’s very first roundtable blog post. I, the nameless human, shall be your moderator. Tonight on our panel we have our Maximum Leader, KT Cat and her loyal minion, Jacob the Syrian Hamster.

Moderator: I’ll open it up to you, KT. What’s your take on the ACLU in general?

KT: Well, I have to say pffft, pffft and hiss. Those guys are major hairballs. The thought that they would oppose cats because of their religion is just sickening.

Jacob: What on Earth are you talking about?

KT: The ACLU. The Anti-Cat Lutheran Union.

Jacob: That’s the wrong ACLU. He’s talking about the Airborne Cetacean Landing Unit. It’s a group devoted to making sure that breaching whales crush hamsters.

Mod: Actually, I don’t think that’s it at all. Let’s check this email one more time…

KT: Where’s this email from?

Mod: There’s something in it about Hostettler and legion…

KT: Sounds like the ghost of an ancient Roman soldier who was stationed in Gaul.

Jacob: It could be the Aging Centurian Liberation Unification Front

KT: That would be the ACLUF.

Jacob: Actually, I think the F is parenthetical. ACLU(F).

KT: How can the F be parenthetical? It’s the noun the whole rest of the phrase modifies.

Jacob: Well, what is it then, if it involves the ghost of a Roman soldier?

Mod: I don’t think it involves ghosts or Romans at all. The guy is from Indiana.

KT: How about the Arch-Catholic Lebanon Unicyclers?

Jacob: As a Syrian, I must object to that Lebanon comment.

KT: Lebanon is a city in Indiana.

Jacob: Oh. Sorry.

Mod: I’m sure Unicycles are big in Indiana and everything, but that doesn’t seem like something you’d get particularly exercised about. Oooh. That was a bad pun, wasn’t it?

KT: Yes it was. Well, I can’t do any better if this is all we have to go on.

Jacob: You didn’t have any problems at the beginning when you knew nothing.

KT: I don’t need facts to have an opinion. I’m a blogger, after all.

Mod: Maybe he means the American Cheese and Lithium Unifiers.

Jacob: Huh?

KT: What are you talking about? Unifying Cheese and Lithium? Are you on drugs? That makes even less sense than people who want whales to land on hamsters.

Jacob: Hey, it could happen.

Mod: Yeah, that was a reach. Actually, I think it’s the Alliance of Carpetbaggers and Lushes for Uranium.

KT: Now you’re just flaunting all that chemistry you took.

Jacob: Did anyone bring some sunflower seeds? I’m getting hungry.

KT: You brought some.

Jacob: I did?

KT: Well, you brought something. Your cheeks are bulging out so much that you look like a hammerhead shark.

Jacob: Oh, so they are. Here, let’s see what we have…food pellet…peanut…piece of carrot…walnut fragment…

KT: That is so gross. If you come across a can of tuna in there, it’s mine.

Mod: I’ve got it!

Jacob: Sunflower seeds?

KT: Tuna?

Mod: No, the acronym. I know what the acronym means! It’s the American Civil Liberties Union.

KT: Aren’t those the guys who want to tell the Boy Scouts what to do?

Jacob: And the ones who wet their beds when someone mentions religion?

Mod: The very same.

KT: And you want us to have a take on that?

Mod: Well…yes.

Jacob: What kind of opinion are we supposed to have with that? The Constitution of the United States is festooned with references to God.

KT: The Boy Scouts are a harmless, civilizing and educational institution.

Mod: That’s all true.

KT: I like that “festooned” back there. Cool word.

Jacob: Thanks.

Mod: So…

KT: So what?

Mod: So what do you have to say?

Jacob: About what?

Mod: About the ACLU?

Jacob: The group with the whales?

KT: I think he means the lawyers who panic about God and want to push a bunch of kids and parents around.

Jacob: Well, here’s what I think. I'd like to tell them to get a haircut and get a real job.

KT: Rock on!

Mod: Well, I think that covers it. That’s all we have time for tonight, folks. I hope you enjoyed our first round table. If you have suggestions for a future round table, be sure to leave them in the comments section.

Follow up

Got a nasty email about sharing the link for this. They called it "spam" and that it "added nothing to the discussion". Can you believe that? Well, truthfully, I can see where you would. Sorry about that.

Anyway, my point, driven home with a balpeen hammer, or perhaps a rubber chicken, is that there is no "there" "there" when it comes to the ACLU. Once upon a time they did great things. Once those great things were done, they moved on to smaller things. And so on and so on. Now they're concerned with things about as important as the color of your toe lint and the number of times you refer to iguanas in a trip to the zoo.

All that college education and training for...what? To insist that the Boy Socuts open their doors to gay scoutmasters? Even if that was a mighty injustice, how important is it? Just how many legitimately aggreived people are there out there, ayway? And just how big of a difference does it make in someone's life to not be a scoutmaster? Their crusade against religion is similarly trivial.

It's all just counting angels dancing on the head of a pin. There is such a thing as reducing the size of an organization or phasing it out entirely. When the job is done, move on. To cling to the old regime and serve smaller and smaller causes is pathetic. I repeat my take on the ACLU.

Get a haircut and get a real job.

Follow up 2
The nutjob teacher Jay Bennish who got caught on tape going nonlinear against the US in front of his class (like many of my own high school teachers used to do) has hired an ACLU lawyer to defend him. The same one Ward Churchill hired. I rest my case. This titan of the legal profession is now defending wacky history teachers who face termination over teaching idiocy.

No, joining the ACLU wasn't a meaningless way to spend your career. No, of course not.


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