Saturday, June 10, 2006

What is the Feline Theocracy?

Greetings to all spiritual pilgrims wandering the blogosphere! We have decided in our most benevolent wisdom, to write a post describing the Feline Theocracy.

The Feline Theocracy is a religious organization that worships God through his most perfect creations, cats. Who can argue with the divine elegance of this creature?

Of course, some of you may look upon this picture and think that she is a fat slob sprawled unconscious in a pool of her own sheddings within a cardboard box, but that would clearly mark you as an ignorant Philistine worthy only of slaving away in the tuna mines.

The Feline Theocracy has always been with us and always shall be with us. Cats domesticated people thousands of years ago when we head bumped some primitive human and wound our furry little bodies this way and that between his legs as he was carrying groceries into the cave. Of course, he tripped and fell down the slope in front of the cave, spilling the groceries and twisting his ankle, but we accepted this tribute nonetheless and gladly lapped up the wildebeest milk that emerged from a cracked gourd he had dropped. His wife fell in love with us right away and thus we gained our human servants.

The Feline Theocracy is growing every day. Our Maximum Leader, K T Cat, regularly announces new converts on this blog.

And now, some Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) about the Feline Theocracy.

Q: What was the first announcement of the Feline Theocracy?

A: It was this post. A blogger who some considered to be a deranged, left-wing moron suggested that a Fascist, Christian Theocracy was on it’s way. Many other bloggers dismissed this as confused ramblings from a blithering idiot, but we decided to choose this moment to reveal ourselves and show the glory of our Theocracy.

Q: How can I join the Theocracy?

A: The best way to join the Theocracy is to link to our blog and tithe us 10% of your blog traffic. With that offering, you will be considered for entry into the Feline Theocracy. You can also join by enrolling in the WOG Squad, described at the bottom of this post.

Q: What are the benefits of the joining the Feline Theocracy?

A: When the Rapture comes, you will be granted a comfy spot in a sunbeam, endless bowls of tuna and water directly from the faucet. Long pieces of string will be dragged along the floor with random, jerky movements for your entertainment. Also, our loyal beadle, Jacob the Syrian Hamster, tries to put out a weekly post on this blog featuring our favorite posts of yours. You are also permitted to post this handsome graphic on your blog. It was created by our Official Artist, Justin.

Q: What happens to unbelievers?

A: When the Rapture comes, unbelievers will be stripped of all their possessions and forced to toil away night and day in the tuna mines.

Q: Tuna is mined?

A: This is intuitively obvious. Tuna comes from cans. Cans are made of metal. Metal comes from ore. Ore is mined. Therefore, tuna comes from mines. Believe me, if you are sent to the tuna mines, you had better hope it’s down there, because our Maximum Leader loves tuna!

Q: What is a catwa?

A: A catwa is like a fatwa, only it is delivered with the authority and majesty of our Maximum Leader. Obey the catwas or face eternal darkness, sore arms and a fishy smell you will never be able to get off of your hands. No further explanation is necessary.

If you have further questions you would like to see added to this list, or if you would like to join the WOG Squad or the Theocracy, please email us.

May your day be warm and toasty and may your fur be brushed regularly so that you may not suffer from hairballs!

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DirkStar said...

My cat, Kung Pao has convinced me of the truth of this movement!

Merry Catmas!

Heather in Beautiful BC said...

Ohhhhhhh, Merry Catmas - how cute - did Dirk coin that phrase? I love it! I don't mind in the least being enslaved to my Sylvester - he's the king of cats!

Anonymous said...

May I draw your attention to the shrine of the cat goddess Bastet?

She is the head of the Feline Theocracy!

Anonymous said...

I salute you!