A Catastrophic Dinner

Well, that didn't work out well at all.

Last night I made ham with red eye gravy, collards with ham hocks and buttermilk biscuits. All of it was from my new Gullah Cuisine cookbook although the cookbook was less to blame than my execution. We had some close friends over for dinner. Each entry on the menu was horrid in its own way. On a scale of biblical catastrophes, this was a "plague of boils." Here's how it went down.

First off, I got home from shopping and took Bodie the Wonder Dog for a walk. When I got back, I cracked the book and found that the hamhocks should have been simmering for two hours before adding the greens. Instead, they got about 15 minutes of simmering before the greens were added. I had time to boil them for the requisite hour before serving, but the bot never developed the ham hocky broth it needed. In any case, the recipe itself was pretty weak. Terry Thompson's mixed greens with turnips and tasso is miles better. The greens were edible, but bland.

Next up was the ham in redeye gravy. That went well (it's a very simple dish to make) until it came time to remove the ham from the skillet and sautee the onions and garlic. While I was doing this, I was mixing shortening in with the flour for the biscuits. I made the mistake of using my fingers to scoop chunks of shortening out of the measuring cup and got my hands all covered in goo. While I was waiting for the water from the faucet to heat up so I could wash my hands, the onions and the garlic burned. Yay!

Burned onion gravy. Note the black flecks in the pan.
Finally, my wife came in, rolled and cut out the biscuits and tossed them in the oven. They looked good and they flaked nicely, but the taste was wretched. The shortening was rancid. Bleeooorgh!

Rancid biscuits.
Reviewing the menu items, I finally understood the redeye gravy thing. I'm a lousy gravyologist, but this one came out OK. The consistency was fine and if I hadn't burned the onions and garlic, it would have been decent. The flavor is much like the gravy you make from those packets of gravy mix where you add hot water and stir. Meh. The greens were unsophisticated and Terry Thompson's recipe is miles better. The biscuits could have been good. They just needed unspoiled ingredients.

In the end, because I have a wonderful wife and good friends, the results were hilarious and not unpleasant. They looked good, even if they didn't taste good.