With that in mind, I give you this week's Thursday 13. 13 lies I must confess.
1. I used to drink instant coffee. Hideous stuff, that. But wait, it gets worse.
2. I once served it to my grandmother. My own grandmother! The woman who had been the embodyment of kindness and love to me. She even knitted me a marvellous green and gold afghan. And I served her instant coffee. She hated it. I hate myself for doing it.
3. Sometimes when I make spaghetti sauce, I grind up an onion very finely and add it to the sauce. My kids hate onions, but never know it's there.
4. I don't even use olive oil to cook the onion in the first place. It's canola oil instead! On Italian food! The horror of it all!
5. I have the used the accounts and descriptions of Major League Baseball games without the express, written consent of Major League Baseball.
6. Some of those accounts were of Toronto Blue Jays games. I'm an international criminal.
7. If a book has boring patches, I skip them. The author went to all that trouble to write the whole book, but do I read the whole book? No, of course not, but I tell everyone I read the book. I'm a lying scumbag.
8. Sometimes, when I'm alone in the car, I sing along with a calypso CD, like ones from Lord Nelson or the Mighty Sparrow. There are songs about Trinidad and it's march to independence. I've never even been there, yet I warble along as if I had. Oh, the duplicity of it all!
9. Some people sneak about, removing the tags from their mattresses. Ha! The amateurs! I remove them from sofas.
10. There have been occasions when I have fallen asleep with the light on, wasting precious electricity. Global warming? It's on me.
11. If an aluminum can is in the trash and something icky is covering it, I don't remove it and put it in the recycling container. I just leave it there to be thrown into the dump. There needs to be a fourth component to the slogan, just for me. Reduce, reuse, recycle, rehabilitate.
12. The clocks in my house don't all agree with one another. There could be as much as a three minute difference between them. My children live in a world of dizzying confusion as they never know exactly what time it is. And I call myself a father!
13. And now, the worst confession of all. The pinnacle of evil. The apex of horror. I don't really care which part of the toothpaste tube I squeeze. Sometimes it's the bottom. Sometime's it's the middle. I've even squeezed the thing from the top! I don't deserve to participate in any event of oral cleansing.
Whew. There. I feel better now. I hope you've all learned from my life of sin and depravity. If there's anything you need to confess, leave it in the comments. Go ahead. It's good for the soul.
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