Saturday, September 15, 2012

Let's Replace Our Embassies With Skype!

Spontaneous protests by primitive religious people* are spreading around the globe, focused on American embassies. American embassies have not been targeted because the Obama Administration has shown itself to be a sniveling pack of flaccid wieners, no sir, but because an obscure video that no one ever heard of made fun of Mohammed. American forces here at home are moving as quickly as they can to hunt down and expose the Americans who insulted the Prophet, but it's not going fast enough for the freedom-loving, open-minded Facebookers of the Arab Spring. Soon, we may find American embassies from Tunisia to Malaysia wiped off the face of the map.

Who cares?

Why do we need embassies anyway? All they do is supply targets for the justified rage of the Arab Street to express itself against the failed policies of George W. Bush. Embassies are all cost and no benefit as Mitt Romney might say right before he outsourced the killing of grandmothers to a profit-crazed multinational firm whose factories he had moved to India. Embassies have been places where you can communicate with the government of the United States, places where you can discuss how infrastructure investments can lead to multicultural understanding as you build bridges to the future**, but like an elderly person who needs hip replacement surgery under Obamacare, they've outlived their time.

Who is trying to talk to us at the embassies? Well, sometimes it's funny-looking natives who lack even the slightest hint of moral reasoning and cannot be expected to control themselves when they see a YouTube video who need to talk to Americans. Sometimes its American tourists who need to find the best place to recharge their Chevy Volts with clean, renewable electricity. In either case, why do we need an embassy to do that? Instead of making people visit a big, ugly building with a ginormous carbon footprint just to talk to us, let's use Skype!

Here, the Interpretive Dance and PoliSci hipsters from Brown and Dartmouth who populate the State Department demonstrate the best way to communicate with people of other cultures using iPhones and Skype. Many of them are obviously gay.

One of the biggest benefits to allowing the indigenous people of the Middle East and Africa to scour the Earth clean of American embassies is that it will save money, money we can use to increase Social Justice. And as we all strive to increase participation in the Food Stamp progam to 100%, we certainly could use more of that.

* - These are the good type of primitive, religious people, not the bad type like the Catholics who want Sandra Fluke to starve in the gutter as she spends her last few dimes buying birth control so she can have sex with that hot guy from the Queer Films class.

** - Without a bridge to the future, we might add, you would fall into the river of time and be swept into the past where crazy, ignorant Christian fundamentalists put vaginas on the ends of sticks and wave them about in hate-filled, judgmental rage as they worship their strange and terrible gods.

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