My daughter is 12. She plays on a club soccer team and could be a good player if she worked at it. In all the years I've tried things with her, soccer is the one thing where she's shown both aptitude and interest. Her success in soccer is important to me because it would show her the connection between work, success and pleasure that can be analogized to school. Right now, she's a below-average club player. She doesn't embarass herself, but she's not a starter.
My son played baseball when he was her age. He was an all-star pitcher and second baseman. He led the league in steals one year and was my closer for two seasons. He was an outstanding hitter, too. He wanted to be good and worked hard at it. He would ask me all the time to go hit ground balls to him at the park. I never had to push him to do it.
I've discovered that motivating boys and girls is totally different. (Those of you who majored in Feminist Studies might want to go somewhere else right now. Like here maybe.) I've tried a bunch of things with my daughter and none of them have worked. For example, I offered her $1 for every kick she could do while juggling the soccer ball with her foot. She's practiced at it and has improved, but the day I set for her to show me and get the payoff came and went and she never asked to show me. It wasn't a big deal. Dittos for other things I've tried.
What is a big deal are friends. While she didn't bother to show me the juggling to get the cash, she never forgets her dates with her friends. Sleepovers are especially big. She had one last night and for the week prior, it was a constant conversation topic in the car. While my son would talk to me about Tony Gwynn while we drove, my daughter talks to me about her social schedule.
There is no comparison in terms of motivations. Money, video games, TV time, trips to the beach - those are miniscule in comparison to time spent with friends. It took me a year to figure this out. Now I just have to figure out how to use it...
8 comments:
Only thing I can think of is the stick approach-- my sister seems much like your daughter, but Mouse *enjoyed* being good, just to be good.
"An astronomer, a biologist, an engineer and a mathematician were crossing the border into Scotland from England on a train when they saw a field with a black sheep in it.
The astronomer said, "Look--all sheep on Earth are black."
The biologist said, "Look, in Scotland the sheep are black."
The engineer replied, "No, in Scotland some of the sheep are black."
The mathematician rolled his eyes to heaven and said, very patiently, "In Scotland, there exists at least one field, in which there is at least one sheep which is black on at least one side." "
Tim, as a mathematician by education, I love that one.
Foxie, I think you're on to something. Perhaps I can reward her with social events with her friends.
smiling and nodding
Yep, that's a girl all right! I've been trying to explain this phenomenon to my husband. I won't exercise for the sake of health or longevity. But if I have a buddy to go with, I'm on my way to the gym to socialize. The fitness is just a bonus.
She probably doesn't really like soccer and is just doing it because her friends are. If she is doing something she really likes, the motivation will come from within.
If mathematician jokes are allowed...
Two friends in a hot air balloon got blown far off course and didn't know where they were. They were close enough to a man below them to yell down "Where are we?" The man on the ground replied "You're in the gondola of a hot air balloon." One friend turned to the other and said, "That was a mathemetician." "How could you tell?" replied his friend. "Because his answer was correct, precise and absolutely useless."
Anon, she's chosen soccer out of many availabl activities. The problem with allowing total freedom of choice is that TV and video games will always win that competition.
"TV and video games will always win that competition."
Generally I would use these as carrots rather than friends and social activities.
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