Dealing With Existential Dread And A Loss Of Meaning

As I get older and realize that my options for what to do next with my life are dwindling down to a small, single-digit number of big things, I sometimes despair. What is the point of learning something new when I won't have the time to make a difference with it? What is the point of starting a new project that I will most likely have to give up in 5-10 years because my body will fail?

I was listening to a recent Jordan Peterson podcast where he spoke with John Vervaeke and Jordan Hall about all manner of topics related to meaning and purpose, when he hit upon what I was feeling when I fell into despair, why I was feeling it and why my dread was baseless. All manner of corollaries followed.

Here's the segment that struck me with the transcript below. It starts with a summary of a conversation Jordan had with Elon Musk, but moves on to an example from his practice as a therapist.

He (Elon Musk) was about 12 or 13 when he had a very serious existential crisis and started reading religious material. And his existential solution to that was really a quest.

Like he found that if he concentrated on learning and investigating, that, that produced a sufficient influx of meaning so that his propositional concerns were, they were no longer foregrounded. I had clients who are like that to creative people, if they ever stopped creating, they'd fall into the grip of their rational mind and just tear them into pieces.

Yeah, but as long as they focused on that continual exploration, play creativity, then then they were fine. They'd fall into it like a child playing. And that's it. Kind of interesting because, you know, you might think of the real as what you think, because there's certainly lots of people who are intellectual falling to that problem.

But it's one of the things you do as a therapist with people who are depressed, especially if they're intelligent, is help them identify, it's probably something like a higher calling. You say, look, let's attend to your experience and see when you're depressed and when you're not, and then see if we can characterize the moments when you're not and then concentrate on expanding them.

Right. And for this gentleman (not Elon Musk, but another man) who was a very creative architect, as long as he was creating, he was fine. Now and then, his rational mind would crop up and say, well, what's the what the hell's the point of all this creativity? You know, which is, it's kind of a bottomless pit, isn't it? If the if the ultimate goal is ineffable, there's no there's no final answer to that question that you could propositionalize.

"What's the point of all this effort?" is the very question that bedevils me from time to time.

If you've been following Jordan, you'll know he has found his way to Christ. He's not crossed the Tiber publicly, but you can hear his conversion shining through in his topics and thoughts. By "ultimate goal is ineffable," he means that God is the ultimate good for which we should strive and the life of Christ is the ultimate example of the selfless sacrifice that is the model.

Direction, Not Magnitude

Since you can never reach God, since none of us can, the question of "what is the point of this one, particular goal in my life" is beside the point. It is the direction of the vector that matters, not its magnitude.

I've had some funding problems with my contract this year. That, combined with the current dip in the stock market may mean that I will never achieve my goal of a vacation house in Dixie. I may go my entire life having served my family without ever having served myself in a substantial way. I'm staring directly into that prospect right now and there are times that I feel resentment.

The key to escaping that particular sin is to realize that as long as I've been heading in the right direction, in the direction of sacrifice for others, I've been achieving all that could be expected. 

Corollary 1: No One Is Ahead Of Anyone Else

It's easy to look at others and think they've done better than you. However, if the ultimate goal is infinitely distant from me, it's infinitely distant from them, too. There's no difference between my infinite undershoot of the goal and theirs, no matter what they've accomplished or obtained.

Corollary 2: Don't Compare Yourself To Others, Compare Yourself To Who You Were Yesterday

This is one of Jordan's Rules for Life and it makes even more sense now. If the direction is what matters, then your only yardstick is where you were in the past. If you're farther along the proper infinite path, then that's a success. Sufficient unto the day is the service you can render to God's will - sacrifice for others.

Corollary 3: Happiness And Success Come From The Journey, Not The Destination

As long as I'm going in the right direction, I should just relax and make the best of the situation. Instead of wondering if I'll ever write a book or ever create one more revolution at work or own a house in Alabama, just keep going and find joy in the adventure.

My adventure will end with hundreds of unfulfilled ambitions. So what? That was never going to happen anway.

Corollary 4: Age Lies

I never felt this way when I was in my 30s or 40s even though I was just as far away from the infinite goal then as I am now. Back then, I faced the same existential issue I do today - a finite lifespan means that I won't be able to do that many things in my life.

Getting wound up about it now is a lie. I'm the same person I was back then and having time to do 8 new things or 3 new things or 1 new thing is effectively the same problem when there are 257 new things which would be fun to try.