You're All Rancid Pigs And I Hate You, But Don't Take It Personally

Michael Tomasky shows us why bloggers can't have nice things. Without editors to help us write, we make a hash of everything.

I don’t remember a much sadder sight in domestic politics in my lifetime than that of Mary Landrieu schlumpfing around these last few weeks trying to save a Senate seat that was obviously lost. It was like witnessing the last two weeks of the life of a blind and toothless dog you knew the vet was just itching to destroy. I know that sounds mean about her, but I don’t intend it that way.

He compares Mary Lanrieu to a blind, toothless dog, but he doesn't intend for that to sound mean.

Umm, maybe you could have taken a little time to rewrite it. Assuming he put some thought into his prose, it makes one wonder what similes were left out.

• She was like an Ebola victim whose body would be burned by flamethrowers after she died
• It was like seeing an overflowing porta-potty wheeled away after Coachella
• The voters removed her like someone hosing dog vomit off their sidewalk

Next, he describes the whole of the South.

Practically the whole region has rejected nearly everything that’s good about this country and has become just one big nuclear waste site of choleric, and extremely racialized, resentment. A fact made even sadder because on the whole they’re such nice people! (I truly mean that.)

Yes, yes, I see it now. The place is populated by nice people who reject everything that's good. Nice people who are radioactive with racism. Mike would invite you over for dinner, you know, but he hasn't finished Scotch-Guarding the carpet and hiding the silverware. And do you know how hard it is to find plastic covers for ultra-modern furniture? Who sells that pig food those people eat? He can't seem to find it at his local organic food co-op.

Yep, Mikey, that column was a real winner. I'll just bet the people in the South will be reading it over and over. Like every time there's an election.

Now with an introduction by Michael Tomasky!