Tuesday, May 06, 2014

Gasoline Is Better Than Bullets

... for dealing with a zombie apocalypse.

At our house, we try to follow the Boy Scouts' motto: Hate And Fear Gays Be Prepared. Part of this preparation is to discuss our plans for a possible zombie apocalypse. Among them is the idea to steal a blimp and ride out the whole mess far above the madding (and devouring) crowd. In the absence of pilferable dirigibles, however, our second best plan is to mount up in Hummers and drive through the hordes of zombies like avenging Angles*.

Everyone else will be running away from the zombies. We'll be running/driving towards them.

Everyone else will be slugging it out at the local gun shop for weapons, we'll be safe and secure in our little, mobile fortresses.

Consider this: What does a gun do? It shoots bullets. Does it have an unlimited supply of bullets? No. Even assuming you've got the David Gregory Special magazine which holds 137 bullets, it eventually runs out and you have to reload. A Hummer, on the other hand, is an effectively limitless killing machine, capable of hours of slaughter before it needs to be reloaded with gasoline. All you need is a safe base camp with a good supply of fuel and in just a week or so, you could have the whole town cleaned up. Fuel up, drive around running over the undead, come back home for some delicious sandwiches and sweet tea, lather, rinse, repeat.

David Gregory showing off his massive, ridiculous, anti-zombie magazine. Just one more piece of evidence of MSM ignorance.
Hummer 2s get about 10 MPG. They hold 32 gallons of gas. Taking San Diego as the location for our family spree, if we used the lovely El Prado Campground as our staging base and made El Cajon our killing zone, we would have an 86 mile round trip, requiring 9 gallons of gas. Leaving 3 gallons in reserve and assuming a leisurely 25 MPH speed cruising the streets of El Cajon, that would give us 4 hours of combat time on station.

There are six of us in the family. Leaving three behind to make sandwiches and defend the camp from the occasional zomboid visitor and assuming 2 sorties per day, that would be 2 x 4 x 3 = 24 hours of Hummer 2 mayhem per day. I would argue that within a week's time, targets would start getting pretty hard to find.

A Hummer 2 vs. street signs. Street signs are made with thick, metal pipes. Zombies are made of rotting flesh. This isn't going to end well for the zombies.

Why run away from the zombies when you can kill them all?

* - Or Jutes or Saxons. You get the idea.

1 comment:

drozz said...

hummer's also produce massive amounts of CO2 and are inneficient, gas guzzling monsters.

they are truly global warming/climate change/climate disruption polar bear killers.