Zarqawi's New Command Structure

With a hat tip to freerepublic and adn, I give you the official Scratching Post review of this article.

TERRORISM: AL-ZARQAWI SAID TO HAVE NEW COMMAND STRUCTURE

Baghdad, 27 Feb. (AKI) - The organization of al-Qaeda in Iraq, led by Jordanian militant Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, has adopted a new command structure, according to Salafite sources quoted by the Arabic news portal Wifaq.

Let me guess. It has him at the top. With that in mind, what’s the big difference? When you’re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

The new line-up is said to include a sort of shadow government at the head of the organisation mandated to direct all the activities of the group.

Activities?!? What is this, a church youth group? Wait a minute. Holy scriptures, young recruits, older mentors leading prayers and other daily events…that’s exactly what this is. It’s a very demented church youth group. I’d love to hear their guitar group songs.

Al-Zarqawi has been flanked by six 'ministers' and by a chief of staff who will coordinate all the operational brigades, the sources said.

These six ministers will also act as pallbearers for the successful recruits…

In a document entitled "The strategy of al-Qaeda in Iraq", the group outlines a new decentralized and flexible organizational structure.

Read: a bunch of maniacs, slathered in Semtex running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

In the new hierarchy al-Zarqawi's number two would be Abu Abdel Rahman al-Iraqi who also has the role of 'interior minister' and oversees the internal affairs of the organization.

In the time-honored tradition of such people, first initiated by the 1960’s television series, Star Trek, Abu Abdel Rahman has donned a red uniform.

He has also been tasked with overseeing the direct links between al-Qaeda in Iraq and the Iraqi and other Arab volunteers who enroll in al-Qaeda.

Enroll in al-Qaeda? Do you receive a brochure in the mail when you get near grade-school graduation? “Considering your future? Worried about your career? Consider joining al-Qaeda. Within a few weeks, both your career and future will be, er, taken care of."

The 'minister of defense' is Abu Asir, whose role is to infiltrate militants into the Iraqi security forces and army, as well as direct the suicide bomber brigade which al-Zarqawi considers central.

When your minister of defense is in charge of killing your soldiers, you need a new minister of defense.
“Mr. Zarqawi, I need some more soldiers.”
“What did you do with the last ones I sent you?”
“I killed them all.”
“Well, that’s a relief. For a second I thought they had retired and we owed them a pension.”

A 'religious affairs' post has been given to Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Baghdadi, who issues fatwas and other religious edicts as well as overseeing the spiritual life of the group.

OK, here’s what I want more than anything else in the world. Well, almost anything else. I want the rubber stamp on his desk with his signature. You know, the one his secretary uses to “sign” all of the mundane paperwork that goes through his office. Imagine the fun we could have signing one preposterous fatwa after another. It would look like Woody Allen’s Bananas. “From now on, the official language of al-Qaeda will be Swedish!”

The crucial role of 'information minister', overseeing Internet statements and working to attract recruits via the Internet, has been given to Abu Maysira al-Iraqi.

Well, that’s a dead giveaway. Set up your filters to send everything from this guy into your spam bin. Spam. Hmm. Kind of ironic, isn’t it?

Well, there you have it. A marginally interesting post on a grumbleblogging Monday. Just remember, I warned you before. Link to this blog or face doom.