Despite ASUS trying to lock the thing down, I was able to change some BIOS settings and install a clean copy of Win7 on a brand-new solid-state drive, preserving the original Win8 hard drive as possible evidence should Microsoft be brought to trial for inflicting that travesty on the world.
The new laptop, named Lambo7, is now up and running. With a clean copy of Windows 7 and an SSD, that little* ASUS G75 feels like this:
Running flat out, the skin on your face will dry up and flake off in 12.3 seconds.
* - OK, truth be told, it's not really "little." Naming it the Lambo7 is even more appropriate than it might seem. With a 17" screen and no performance sacrifices made for weight, it's somewhat like having a real, live Lamborghini on your lap.