Thursday, February 12, 2009

My Own Personal Stimulus

We're in the stimulus bill! No, really, we are! Our Maximum Leader is going to get $4,000,000,000 to study tuna. It's in Title III, Section A. Here's the text of our part of the bill.

Wireless and broadband deployment grant programs

(including transfer of funds to K T Cat for the K T Cat Personal Economic Stimulus Program)

For necessary and unnecessary expenses related to the Wireless and Broadband Deployment Grant Programs established by section 6002 of division B of this Act, $2,825,000,000, of which $1,000,000,000 shall be for Wireless Deployment Grants and $1,825,000,000 shall be for Broadband Deployment Grants: Provided, That an additional $4,000,000,000 shall be paid directly to K T Cat in the form of subsidized loans that do not require repayment. Provided Further, That the funds be used by K T Cat to study tuna migration patterns through San Diego. or for whatever. Provided Even Further, That K T Cat will receive free New Orleans Saints tickets for life. Provided Even Further Still, That K T Cat shall be treated as a cabinet-level appointment for the purpose of income tax reporting, and therefore no taxes shall be paid on any of the aformentioned benefits. And one more thing: Barney Frank is hereby expelled from Congress, effective immediately upon enactment.
Isn't that cool? You're in the stimulus bill, too, aren't you? You're not? Well, you should be, what with the kind of coin they're throwing around. Why not go over and insert yourself into the bill. It's easy!

Just click here.

4 comments:

Justin said...

I've stimulated myself!

No, not like that! GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!!

Oh, I've been waiting for a long time to crack a joke like that. Thank goodness I got an opportunity!

Oh, here's my post.

Rose said...

It could work, KT, since they aren't going to read it before they vote on it and sign it into law.

Niall Mor said...

wireless and broadband deployment grant programs

(including transfer of funds to Niall Mor for the Niall Mor Personal Economic Stimulus Program)

For necessary and unnecessary expenses related to the Wireless and Broadband Deployment Grant Programs established by section 6002 of division B of this Act, $2,825,000,000, of which $1,000,000,000 shall be for Wireless Deployment Grants and $1,825,000,000 shall be for Broadband Deployment Grants: Provided, That an additional $100,000 shall be paid directly to Niall Mor in the form of subsidized loans that do not require repayment. Provided Further, That the funds be used by Niall Mor to Gimme a minute, I'll think of something or for whatever. Provided Even Further, That Niall Mor will receive free South Carolina Gamecocks tickets for life. Provided Even Further Still, That Niall Mor shall be treated as a cabinet-level appointment for the purpose of income tax reporting, and therefore no taxes shall be paid on any of the aformentioned benefits. And one more thing: Nancy Pelosi is hereby expelled from Congress, effective immediately upon enactment.

Capchadef: Ockowe. That's Barack Obama's cousin, Ockowe Obama.

Niall Mor said...

Provide an unprecedented opportunity for graft, corruption, and pork-barrel spending? YES WE CAN!