Michael Vick's Animal Husbandry

Federal law enforcement officials raided Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick's home yesterday, apparently looking for evidence of his involvement in dog fighting. What an outrage! Michael Vick and his comrades were only interested in scientifically breeding better dogs for the sport world. Previously, here's the kinds of things he had on hand.

It was during an April 25 drug raid on the home that authorities seized 66 dogs, including 55 pit bulls, and equipment that told investigators they'd uncovered a dog-fighting operation.

A search warrant affidavit said some of the dogs were tethered with "heavy logging-type chains" attached to car axles that allowed the dogs to get close to each other, but not to have contact, one of myriad findings on the property that suggested a dog-fighting operation.

Other items included a rape stand, used to hold non-receptive dogs in place for mating; an electric treadmill modified to be used by dogs; a "pry bar" used to open the clamped-down mouths of dogs; and a bloodied piece of carpeting the authorities believe was used in dog fights.

I find nothing at all unusual about this. I use logging chains on my animals all the time. In fact, Jacob the Syrian Hamster regularly does his weight training with logging chains. There's only one possible explanation for why federal authorities are investigating Michael Vick.

"There's a larger thing here, and it has nothing to do with any breach of protocol," (Viriginia prosecuting attorney whose team had allowed their search warrant to expire unexecuted) Poindexter said, still trying to rationalize where the federal government fits in. "There's something awful going on here. I don't know if it's racial."

Well, you knew that was coming, didn't you?