Anderson Cooper, Gold Mine

Thanks to Mary Katherine Ham, we have discovered CNN's Anderson Cooper. Great was our rejoicing! Mr. Cooper is a blogger's dream. He is that most elusive of all creatures, a pompous blowhard who is at the same time, a prolific writer and a complete imbecile. I think you could create an entire, highly successful comedy blog just commenting on Anderson's paralyzingly stupid posts.

Here's the post that caught Mary's eye. We'll start here only out of deference to her. It really is an embarassment of riches over at Mr. Cooper's blog. This post was written by one of Mr. Anderson's fellow dim bulbs, Tom Foreman.

Take deep breaths. Don't get too excited. He's throwing meatballs right over the plate. Just stay within yourself and watch the ball. Here it comes...

...for the purposes of news organizations defining terrorism, what should the definition be?

The United States and others clearly call Hezbollah a terrorist group: The source of countless raids, bombings and attacks on Israel...All this makes Hezbollah, especially for many westerners, the very definition of a terrorist group.

But some people describe another part of Hezbollah. They talk about a group that is beloved in southern Lebanon for running schools, hospitals, social services, even clearing snow in the winter for some communities...So what should the standard be? If you ran a newsroom, how would you define who is called a terrorist and who is not?

OK, let's get the easy one out of the way first.

If I ran the newsroom, Mr. Foreman, you'd be taking coffee and doughnut orders and emptying the trash.

Poor Tom Foreman hasn't got a thought in his pretty little head. The fact that the members of these terrorist organizations haven't devolved into cannibalistic savages that run naked in the wilderness is a testament to the fact that they pursue the basic exchange of goods and services. (Did you know they use money, Mr. Foreman? Real money! Just like you and me!)

OF COURSE THEY RUN SCHOOLS AND HOSPITALS, YOU MORON! WHAT DID YOU THINK THEY WERE DOING? EVERY SOCIETY FOR THE PAST 4000 YEARS HAS DONE THIS!

Whew. Sorry. Got too excited there. Let's calm down and do an Anderson Cooper 360-like thought experiment.

...for the purposes of news organizations defining primitive life forms, what should the definition be?

Some scientists call amoebas a primitive life form: They cannot take orders at Starbucks or listen to Noam Chomsky...All this makes amoebas the very definition of a primitive life form.

But some people describe other aspects of amoebas. They talk about respiration, the consumption of food particles and the ability to reproduce...So what should the standard be? If you ran a newsroom, how would you define who is called a primitve life form and who is not?

An amoeba about to start it's own blog and lay an enormous smackdown on Anderson Cooper and his fellow bloggers.
Words fail me.

Here are some other bloggers with posts about this.
Lorie Byrd at Wizbang
Beth at My Vast, Right Wing Conspiracy
Thespis has a book title suggestion for Mr. Cooper.