Free Jeffrey Burrill! Put The Lizard In Chains!

Monsignor Jeffrey Burrill, a Catholic priest who was the General Secretary to the US Conference of Catholic Bishops, was recently discovered to have used Grindr to search for hot dudes. I guess Grindr is an app for locating fellow gays. 

Burrill until Tuesday was the top administrator for the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. He stepped down after a Catholic newsletter presented conference officials with allegations that cellphone data indicated he had repeatedly used Grindr and visited gay bars.

Everyone had their pre-programmed responses loaded in memory, an interrupt was triggered and the processes ran. "He's betrayed his vows!" howled the conservatives. "He's a hypocrite!" screamed the libs.

Well, yes, he did both of those things. So what?

We all have a lizard brain at the core of our cortex. It's our limbic system and we share it with every vertebrate from lizards to birds to marmots.

Marmots are way cuter, though.

Your lizard brain is only concerned with food, orgasms* and avoiding predators. It's there 24/7, working to dominate your life. It's why we watch porn when we know it's bad for us. It's why we eat fried foods. It's why we snarl at other people when they make us cross. We all give in to the lizard inside us every day. One of my recurring problems is drinking 4 pints when I should drink 1, at most. I know it's wrong. I tell others it's wrong. I'm a hypocrite.

The Catholic Church teaches us that we are all sinners. Jesus Christ died on the cross to save us from our sins. We go to Confession to be absolved of our sins. We then go out into the world, fight with the lizard and lose again. Lather, rinse, bask in the sun, eat a few bugs, repeat.

Again, so what? Our failures only serve to prove the truth of Catholicism. We are sinners. We sin. Why the hysteria that it happened?

That the lavender Monsignor sinned is indeed a sign of hypocrisy, but only half of his hypocrisy contains information. That is, we all knew he had a lizard inside him, but his faith tells you that he strove to fight it. That's a good thing.

Here are people who aren't hypocrites. They've submitted to their lizards.

To yell and point at the Monsignor while describing those twerkers' role model, Cardi B, as a "strong, black woman" is to encourage people to surrender to their inner lizards. It's yet another conquest by the Lizard Empire.

For my money, Burrill should have been counseled, sent to confession and given a support system to fight his lizard. After that, he should have gone back to work and the Church should have moved on to more important things.

Firing someone because they gave in to a perfectly normal sin, one that didn't have serious ramifications, is like firing the guy because the sun rose in the east.

* - For lizards and such, it's concerned with mating, but thanks to human birth-control and baby-slaughtering technology, we've replaced mating with the immediate payoff for mating, orgasms.