How To Talk To Your Family About Me This Thanksgiving

... that's what I thought of when i saw this on Twitter.

How to Talk to Your Family About Planned Parenthood This #Thanksgiving https://t.co/SPmJHlGxiW pic.twitter.com/qQNryn15Mv

— Planned Parenthood (@ppmn) November 23, 2016

Surprisingly, the first thing it made me think of was not carving up previously living things, but what a cry for attention this was. "How to talk about Planned Parenthood this Thanksgiving?!?" That's pretty sad, really. "How to talk about us with your family. Please talk about us. Please, please, please!"

Apparently, I've missed a big opportunity all these years. I should have been blogging and tweeting about how you could talk about me with your family. I'm not sure why you would. I don't like to talk about me with my family, but hey, maybe you've been doing it all along and probably doing it wrong. Here are some basic ideas to get the conversation going.

• Your sister Suzy is a woke progressive. When she comes through the door, hand her a printed copy of a translated version of Der Sturmer and scream at her, "I thought I'd give you some of your favorite reading material, you Nazi!" Throw her the old Hitler salute and put a toothbrush under your nose as well. As she fumes and sputters, text her links to some of my really incendiary posts about prog-Nazis.


• Take photos of the food in all stages of preparation. This works really well if you're not cooking and aren't expected to be cluttering up the kitchen with your body, your multiple cameras and maybe a portable photography lamp or two. Tell them you got the idea from me.


• If travelling to someone else's house with your spouse and kids, whenever you see something that might have even slight bloggability as a photo, loop around so you can get a good shot of it. When the passengers in your car start yelling that you just got off the freeway in the middle of Carmageddon and will now have to get back on, losing a half hour in the process, ignore their rage with a dismissive, "This will only take a second. The guy at The Scratching Post showed me how important this is."


• Go to Mass, especially if you're not Catholic. Bring your family. If they object, tell them you are all converting to the One, True Church. Hand them printed copies of some of my charts about families and divorce and some hideous social pathology like child abuse. Shout, "Do you want to end up like that? Well, do you?"


• Instead of watching the Thanksgiving NFL games, insist on watching some English Premier League on demand. Last weekend's Bournemouth match ought to be a real hit. As you push everything out of the way to hook up your laptop to the big screen because it's the only way to get the stuff, explain how you read about the glories of the EPL on my blog and tell them that watching the NFL just supports teen pregnancy or something.


• During the meal, alternate between vicious, political invective and apologies followed by a few minutes of conversation about kindness. Then go back to spewing rage at them. Explain that your favorite blogger does this all the time and he's super-popular. If I'm not your favorite blogger, change your opinions so that I am. Since I'm not super-popular, make me super-popular with these tips and others you come develop yourself. Hey, I can't do everything, you know.

There. That's it. That's how to talk about me this Thanksgiving. Because on this holiday when we thank the Lord God for his bountiful blessings in our lives, nothing is more important than me.

Oh, sure, your family looks happy now, but believe me, when you start explaining to them how this blog showed you that the Japanese economy is going to completely collapse from debt and demographics to the point where the starving, geriatric Mr. and Mrs. Nakamura will be stealing lemurs from the Tokyo zoo to cook and eat, the party will really get going.