On Parenting, Goals and Soccer

A while back, I posted about my new goals as a parent. I'd been reading Brian Tracy's book on goals and the thought exercises therein led me to change from trying to get my kids to accomplish things directly to trying to get them to make decisions in the right way. It's had huge payoffs already.

First off, I don't get angry nearly as much. It's not that I was a raging tyrant, it's that their setbacks seemed to me to be so easy to avoid. Instead, since my goal is now to make sure that when they leave the nest they have the mental and moral tools to make the right decisions, mistakes are teaching opportunities.

For example, yesterday my daughter tried out for a local club soccer team. She had tried out for three others and missed the cut each time. This time, we practiced for several days in preparation. After her last failure, I had told her that in order to have choices in life, she needed to be good at something people valued - in this case, soccer. Her friends who play on premiere-level teams could go to any of these tryouts, make each team and then pick the one that offered them the best position and the best chance to win. That lesson wasn't lost on her and she really put some effort into it.

After yesterday's tryout where she didn't think she did well enough, but might still make the team, I asked her if she wished she had practiced more or less. She instantly told me she wished she had practiced more. We stayed behind and spoke with the coaches (they made encouraging noises) and on the way home, she vowed to work on the things they suggested the very next day.

Without the goals program I've been on, I might have been angry. She certainly could have practiced more and more practice might have meant there was no doubt at all about making the team. I would have been ticked off at her risking failure in exchange for a few hours in front of the TV watching junk. Instead, she and I had a long discussion about how badly she wanted to play on the team and how she now wished she had really gone all out.

She may not make the team, but she took steps towards learning the lessons I hoped she'd learn. Instead of anger and defeatism at the uncertainty of the outcome, I had nothing but pride and praise for her. I felt good about the whole affair because I had accomplished my goal, that of helping her learn to make good decisions.