So What's The Big Deal About Marriage?

I just got my copy of Marriage and Caste in America, yet another book I'm reading on the sociology of the breakdown of the American family. The book makes a very John Edwards-like argument that I happen to agree with completely - there really are two Americas, one rich and one poor. The defining feature is one that John Edwards missed entirely and that is the marital status of families.

There's a great deal to go into here, but because I'm getting started late today on the blog, I'll just give a thumbnail of the most surprising tidbit I found.

Marriage shapes your life, even before it occurs.

Think about two men, one anticipating getting married, the other not. The one who is anticipating marriage structures his life so that he can support a family and a wife. He dates with at least some notion of permanence in his head - he's not just a score hound. Whether or not he stays celibate, he is at least trying to set things up in the right order - marriage and then children. He looks for his girlfriends to prove their worthiness as wives and probably to a much lesser extent because of inexperience, as mothers. He thinks in terms of a career that will support more than his bodily needs.

The second man, not anticipating marriage, is simply looking for tonight's score, or at best, someone with whom he can shack up. His career is centered around keeping food on his table, clothes on his back and a car available. There's not much else required. If he gets his girlfriend pregnant, he might be willing to give some support, but that level of support is very ill-defined even though his intentions might be good. Pampers and some Similac and a visit now and again with some cash to give the mom is probably as much fathering as he's going to do. When the mom starts getting bitchy, he bails out to another girlfriend.

In that scenario, think back to the notion of sex ratios. In an environment where there are more women (synthetic or not) than men, the mother of his child doesn't have a whole lot of leverage, does she? If she's tired and bitchy because Junior's been up all night with colic, she's not much fun to be around, while Judy down the street (or any number of pornographic images) is fresh and ready for fun. Mom is easily replaced because the man is looking only for his own, short-term gratification. Mom simply can't compete in that arena. She and the kid(s) get dumped.

In the married family, children grow up amidst an implicit social structure. Two lives have been purposefully shaped, to some extent, for the rearing of children. It's much more than a ring on your finger, it's the way you see the world and how you've prepared. In the unmarried family, it's everyone for themselves, children included. The end result is the "Two Americas" John Edwards talked about.

More to follow.