How to Deal with Barry Bonds

Very soon, that human lab animal, Barry Bonds, will break Hank Aaron's career home run record. No one wants to be the pitcher or team that gives up the fateful home run to that cow growth hormone infused freak. I think this is improper. I would suggest that every team should be itching to be the one victimized by Mr. Steroids. In fact, I would want to be the pitcher who gave up the record-breaking dinger.

I'd want to be that pitcher because I'd pitch to him underhand. Like this.

For all time, the video of the record-breaking home run would make Barry Bonds the laughingstock he has made the home run record. As Barry ran around the bases, the crowd would be rolling on the ground in hysterics, laughing their heads off.

It would be glorious.

By the way, I used to love Barry. When he was with the Pirates, I always rooted for him and Bobby Bonilla. Had he come by this honorably, I'd be on his side. Now, I'm just sad that the real greatest baseball player of our generation, Ken Griffey Jr., of whom no whisper of steroids has ever been mentioned, lost so much playing time to injury. He deserved to be the one going for the record, not Mr. Inflated Skull Bonds.