Thursday Thirteen, Taxes Edition

I am currently doing my taxes. Since I am doing them by hand and am not using a CPA or software, I have had the opportunity to peruse several strange forms I had never seen before. What follows is one I thought would be of interest to you.

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IRS Form Omicron Delta Crimson Theta.
Federal Tax Relief for Odd Pets Act of 1997

If you have had pets in your home that made your neighbors wonder about you during the previous year, you may be entitled to a tax credit. Please use the following form.

1. Enter the number of invertebrates living with you at least 6 months of the previous year.

2. Add 1 to this number.

3. Subtract the number of mollusks in this group. If the resultant number is zero, stop here and put 0 in line 13.

4. If any of the invertebrates were slugs, please consult form 50281/772, “Tax Reflief for Yucky Pets”. Multiply the number on line 8 of that form by your hat size and enter it here.

5. Add lines 4 and 3.

6. Enter the number of birds of prey that lived with you on June 8 of this year.

7. Subtract the number of arctic songbirds that relied on your for no less than 30% of their upkeep, unless they had an income independent of you in excess of $42,500.

8. Enter the number of sloths in your attic. If you had sloths in residence for more than half the year, but they did not reside in your attic, then divide that number by 3 and add 6 to the number on line 2 unless you had no less than 7 wildebeests or 2 nests of yellow jackets in your living room in which case enter a 4.

9. Enter the number of octopi in any plumbing fixture in your house.

10. If you dressed up your dogs to look like President Martin Van Buren at any time during the year, enter a 2 here.

11. Enter the amount of money you spent on the upkeep of any pet that was utterly noiseless or made a slurpy or squishy noise here.

12. If your taxable income is less than $125,250 if filing single or $3.14159 if filing married, deduct the amount on line 3 of Schedule A from line 11. If not, multiply line 11 by the number of times any house guest asked you if you were insane.

13. Add lines 5, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 12. This is the amount of money you can expect to spend on therapy in the coming year. Much of it may be tax deductible on your 2007 taxes.