New NSA Procedures for Handling Classified Documents

Through my contacts with rodents living in NSA buildings, I have come into possession of a new classified memorandum regarding procedures for handling secret and top secret information. Since I wasn't explicitly told it would definitely lead to planetary thermonuclear annihilation, I chose to publish it here.

NSA Memorandum 3428/2006 (S)
Re: Concealment of classified information

1. In response to recent efforts by the New York Times and Los Angeles Times to cripple our efforts to track down terrorists through the publication of classified information, NSA is issuing the following guidelines for all classified documents and data.

a. In order to deter the media from reading classified documents, all documents shall be transported and kept wrapped in no fewer than two (2) layers of photos of happy Iraqis, preferrably children. NSA and DoD personnel can find such photographs at www.operationiraqichildren.org.

b. In order to prevent the publication of photocopies of classified documents, all personnel shall intersperse text with caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed. See DoD Inst 802.874 Rev. C for the proper sizing and spacing of caricatures.

2. This guidance is effective immediately.

I figured I'd go ahead and share this with all of you. It's not like anyone's going to do anything about it after I do.

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