Saturday, January 13, 2018

Oprah Winfrey And Farm Animals

At the Golden Globes, which I missed due to a previous engagement with drying paint or grass growing, I can't recall which, actress after actress arose to speak furiously against powerful men in bathrobes waving their organs about in front of young, vulnerable women. It was capped off by a stirring speech by Oprah Winfrey who thundered, "LIKE THE REST OF YOU, I WAS A PUSILLANIMOUS HYPOCRITE WHO, IF I HAD A SHRED OF SELF-RESPECT, WOULD CRAWL UNDER A ROCK AND DECAY RATHER THAN STAND UP HERE AND GIVE LECTURES ON SEXUAL MORALITY!"

Or something like that. Maybe that's what she should have said instead of yelling at the cameras, admonishing all of us to stop assaulting women in our offices.

When I heard a clip of her yelling at me, I instantly wondered who she thought she was addressing. None of my friends do this, none of my coworkers do it and none of my family do it. In short, I have no idea what she's talking about. If it hadn't been for the bejewelled farm animals slorping at the troughs in the banquet hall with her, I'd have never considered the possibility that anyone would do it. When they all rose to their hooves and cheered her, the effect was even more surreal, if that was even possible.

Then came the plaudits from the media, in whose offices buttons are installed under the desks of powerful men to allow them to lock young women in the room and assault them. You know, those buttons that have a paperwork trail and list of enablers who approved, requisitioned, installed and inspected said buttons and mechanisms.

To be honest, I'm more interested in the actual mechanics of the thing. Was it electric or mechanical? A bluetooth remote control solenoid, perhaps? Hmm. In any case, I don't think I've ever met anyone who has ever even contemplated having such a thing.

Then again, my male friends can find dates on their own and aren't scrofulous subhumans who attack women like trap-door spiders going after their prey.

In any case, I felt completely at sea when I heard what happened at the Golden Globes and saw the slobbering press reactions afterwards.

Then came the Haiti comment from President Trump. I guess he said it was a lousy place, in his typical, New York cabby way. The reaction was similarly weird. Everyone is having spaz attacks over it. Why? Haiti is a lousy place. The hysterical teenage girls in the news media clutching their faux pearls and fainting are the same ones who have done regular, somber reports from Haiti about what a lousy place it is.

What on Earth is going on here? For some reason, the Hollywood stars and news media think we're idiots and perverts just like they are. Unreal.

The most powerful and connected woman in show business had no idea at all what was happening. Right.

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