Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Classical Mythology = Multiverse + Jersey Shore

At the prompting of some trigger-warning coed at Columbia, a school where I would decline to send even a dog, I am currently listening to Ovid's Metamorphoses, a source book of Roman mythology.

If you ever had to take a comparative religions class and this was offered in contrast to Judaism or Christianity, consider retaining a lawyer and suing. This stuff is nothing more than Jersey Shore with some magic and a slap-dash creation myth thrown in. Everyone is banging everyone else, husbands and wives are yelling at each other and once in a while someone gets turned into a cow or a tree. There's no moral theme to the whole thing other than to let you know that the gods exist and they're not much different from you except that if you tick them off, they can make your life a mess.

They're the Gaystapo (or maybe the Clintons), but with a little more class.

These are your gods, citizens. Worship them!
As I listen to the stories, all I can think of is how retro we are these days. As in paleo-retro. Functionally, there's no difference between the ancient Romans listening to these stories and modern secular society watching reality shows. Remove our Judeo-Christian foundation, which we are doing at breakneck speed, and you end up here, idolizing creatures that seem a lot like you, do whatever they want and are a topic of gossip around the water cooler or ox cart.

If you look at the stars at night and need a creation myth to help you sleep, we can tell you about Saturn and the Titans or the Multiverse. Take your pick. It's all the same since it has no impact on your life at all. Somebody, somewhere knows something or other about those sparkly dots up above and that's good enough. Let's hit the clubs on Friday and see if we can bag some chicks, OK? After all, everyone from Jupiter to Vinny are doing it.

No comments: